Well it was a long week. There has been a looming cloud of concern in our home for quite some time. The day for finding answers was upon us as Bill had his upper and lower scopes this week. Thanks to a lot of well meaning medical personnel and other individuals, we were preparing ourselves for some bad news. I guess to believe the worst helps some prepare, so they aren't taken by surprise. I can't do this, I don't want to waste my emotional energy until I have to. That's easier for me as I am surrounded by young life as a Mother, rather than the reality of disease which you face working in healthcare. I also don't want to bury my head in undue optimism either. Finding the balance is not something I enjoy striving toward. Too many temptations to go down a road I'm not liking. I prepared with a novena and a firm resolution to trust God in ALL things. It is so easy to desire and so much harder to do. We have had a long autumn season. "We" in the fullest sense, as although I wasn't feeling sick myself, I have found in marriage you carry one another's burdens, you empathize, you ache for the pain in the other. In a home with small children you try to eliminate the extra burdens they can unintentionally bring to a tired parent. I have done as much as I possibly can, but the burdens have remained. All I wanted for Christmas or anything else was
good news. I reminded myself of how much God loves us all, and that He is our Good News, however brief or difficult this life may be. Yet I also had fully digested the reality that sickness does come. The recent losses of individuals in our community and recently one young Mother in particular to cancer, whose early departure from this world, leaving her young family, had especially pierced my heart. Life is just very precious and fragile, and never to be taken for granted. Our good health is a gift, much like our youth, unnoticed until it departs and it's absence is felt. Just one more reason to long for the place where health and life are impermeable.
Well the tests were assigned to us long ago to be done on the feast of the Immaculate Conception. I decided to prepare like a good Catholic by doing my novena. Well, like a lot of tired Moms, I often remembered to pray this simple prayer while falling asleep at night. That simple failure alone left me acutely small and undeserving. I couldn't even complete this simple act of faith very well. So humbled and exhausted we embraced this test. I was surprised to find on the morning of the tests our nurse told us her name was Regina. She was a lovely pregnant woman, and that her very feminine, maternal presence was a comfort to me. Regina means queen, and this day chosen for these tests belonged to the Queen, the Immaculate Conception, the tabernacle for our Lord. Bill informed me next the other nurse was Jessica who went by Jesse. Now she could never have known that we are immersed in learning and doing our Jesse tree in anticipation of Christmas, the celebration of the eternal Good News. So without wanting to look for signs of God's hand, or comfort, I quietly, privately found them. I don't seek after them, it even bothers me to think my faith is so weak that I need to look for them, so I don't. I usually don't share them beyond my family, as they are so easily misunderstood. Yet, I am writing this to remind myself that whenever life is hard, when I am weary and afraid and I lean on this Queen and her Son, the comforts are there. Even in a cold, impersonal, secular University healthcare setting like we were in, God found a little way to remind me He was there. Like the small things I do to let my children know I'm watching over them, these small details only He could arrange. It didn't make me anticipate good news or bad, only reminded me that He was there.
When the highly anticipated and very kind Gastroenterologist came with a positive affirmation of no significant concerns I felt a dam breaking inside, the doors of the room I did not want to pass through were crushed and I just felt
relief. The dictionary describes this as
being alleviated: (of pain or sorrow) made easier to bear. That's how I felt, in every possible way. Thank you God, that this time, malignancy or serious disease wasn't the burden to lay on our shoulders. We shall keep on eating a healthy diet, trying to manage the stress of a crazy busy profession, and in general doing everything we can to to be healthy in the long term. But I don't have be concerned over that which I can't control, especially a hidden looming sickness. I am also reminded through this day that the little details, the little acts of love I can do as a mother, as a "queen" to those in my home, are indeed so very important. They may remind a person they are loved and come what may, all will be well. At least that's what I hope to do as a Mom. I know
I will never grow beyond the need for a
good Mother. We had not yet decorated our home or yard for Christmas, and somehow I feel Christmas came early this year. The true meaning, hope in our hearts, gratitude and humble awareness that in our vulnerability we are upheld by a love beyond us. Now I can focus on the Emmanuel and preparing our hearts and home to celebrate Him.
Today was the day for Christmas pictures. Although I have a good camera, I still thought I needed a little help getting three children to smile with proper lighting so I booked an appointment at the inexpensive portrait studio that caters to kids. I really like getting the pictures when they are small, while the cheeks are still chubby and the dimples so adorable. I find this a bit of an ordeal so I try to set out clothes and try to be ready the night before. I wasn't ready with all the details this morning, and I didn't have any help from TIffany to fall back on, sigh. But I met the challenge, I arose, showered, dressed, hemmed Johnny's pants, ironed two outfits, bathed and dressed two toddlers, dressed one doll, dried and fluffed one girl's hair (very cold outside)) and arrived for a picture appointment with three well groomed children before 10 am. The little kids had pretzels and juicy water in the car for breakfast (rather that hot oatmeal or homemade granola). But they matched, and every detail accounted for except one black bow. Somehow I added to this by overeagerly deciding to curl her doll's hair so it would match hers, resulting in melting the ends and the hair, and adding one quick doll haircut to the morning routine (trying to hide the evidence). Then the doll never even made it to the picture! We had a pretty good experience with the studio, although the photographer gal just rushed us through and didn't know how to engage the kids, she seemed pretty blunted. So I was "Big Brown Bear", "Silly Mommy", "Giant Elephant", and a host of other characters trying to make my kids show their smile at the same time for the camera. I may have kind of shocked her, I just assume Mommy's can be silly and fun and well that's what it's all about, to get a real smile. We got a few pretty good shots, and one CD to take home, and I have Christmas cards that will be ready tomorrow to start and a Christmas letter to write. Now that taking the picture is over, I'm so glad we did it! I'm also so glad I don't have to get up and do that all over again tomorrow. :)
